my experience

People like to see me as this girl who is intelligent, who is lazy and don't care, and who is fat. Everywhere I go, i'm judged for what I do and say. I doesn't matter what I do someone is always going to say something about it. At school, I'm judged because I'm smart or because I said this or that. I hate it when I'm praise for something because i always know that it isn't good enough and that someone is gonna say something or do something to put me down. And if I do something wrong, someone is gonna act like I dont make mistakes. And even if Iact like I dot care, someone is gonna keep bothering me to tell them what is wrong. I just dont wanna talk about it. i go to sleep thinking about.....thinking what i wou.d say to that person......what i would do, but in real life, i do nothing. not because I'm just that scared of the bully, but because i'm percieved as the GOOD GIRL and "no she dont do that". I hate going to school because i have to see people trying to bully others or talking about someone, but dont really know the person. Its one thing to say that someone is "fake" but another to say things that cause them to hate theirself. i hate coming home to hearthat "you should've done better" or "why are you like this and he or she is like this"...I hate it when someone is comparing me to someone else.... i hate it that "since i'm an A student, then I should be able to do this or that. People always ask me why i'm always so quiet or why i pace or watever, ijust wanna be alone....i hate myself alot and i doesn't really how much someone try to reassure me or how much i tell myself that i'm better than that and i smile, i'm really cryin inside. I even hav a ulter ego..i guess that is what u xall it...i make up these stories with me being the main character trying out how i really would want my life to be.....i dont wnt anyone to try and figure me out....how can u tell me how to deal with my problems when you cannot deal with your own problems and then you dont really kno me....i dont want no one to tell me how to slove my problems or try to figure me out, i just want someone to sit down, shut up, and listen to me.....dont tell me how solve ME...I AM NOT A PROBLEM THAT SOMEONE CAN FIGURE OUT I AM A PERSON WHO HAS FEELINGS AND WOULD RATHER BE LEFT ALONE. I dont kno y i feel the way i feel...maybe its because i'm raised to be "smarter" or that i should "improve"...but what if i dont...what if i like where i am...i dont kno who i am really...an who i should be...i dont really kno much about myself...i like beng weird...i lik to talk to myself....i lik to be alone...i would rather be alone than to have a group of people saying that they care about me...i dont wanna be pitied...i just wantmy space...every time i tell u that its just me, myself and i up in my head...its me, my friend charlie who likes to fight and argue wit others because she is who i want to be in a way n den i have angel because she's da lil ole good child that everyone thinks i am....i love it when people say i am a nerd because a nerd is just a smart person wit good grades and i am that... i dont care how i dress..i dont lik cookin i would rather eat a bologne sandwich den to cook a meal just for one day.... i dont care how my room looks because i can find almost everything in it.....i am me....i am WEIRD....i am CRAZY.... i am MYA and i just so happen to both hate and love myself for being weird and crazy and for people to miss judge...i just so happen to hate my insides and my outsides and i love the fact that i have a bubbly personality that others can love or hate-which i could give a care about....but i do kno is i dont kno where i belong n who i truly am...because who i am on the outside that the world may see is totally different from who i am on the inside....maybe u dont lik me but i will smile at u and i will talk to you because i lik u just because u dont lik me....i tell others that i dont care what others say about me behind my back or to my face but i do...its just i choose not to give them da benefit of seeing me at my weakest and i would rather cry at night in my bed than to talk about with the only result of pouring out more tears. I dont kno if this is truly all of ,y experiences jumbled up or if am just writing but all i do kno is that i will be wondering who i am inside because i really do not kno...we are in this system where how ou act in middle school follows you in high school and you should act the same way or it would be like this "ohhh i didn't see that coming" and you'll end up lik the bad guy. maybe i doo hav some problems with people because all people every do is talk n it usually is not something that makes you feel like you are conquering the world. how can words make someone feel better about theirself...i dont kno, but then again how can those same words make a person feel smaller about theirself. I'm told that words cannot hurt you, ohh but they can....unless your name is mya and you are 16 and you have been and is still ging through whati have to go throgh on a daily basis then there isnt really much you can say to me bout this. But really if i look at my life...i have cried from just looking at my grades with my "friends" saying that i did good but coming home to show grades that dont really mean anything...you always have to do better...well i guess this is what people call "LIFE" and what they mean when they say you dont choose your family and possible even your life. Well goodnight fo now

Well mya i thank you for being my first member of my forum. I actually know how it feels, everything you said has or still is happening to me. Just stay relaxed, it's good that you can keep your grades up to part. don't let anyone get in the way of you living your life.